


Darkness

by AngelsFallFirst



Series: Little Lies [2]
Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29295063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: Sequel of Little Lies___"I was lost. Lost in the darkness, left by my light."
Relationships: Alex Scholpp/Tarja Turunen
Series: Little Lies [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2151504
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

_I'm_ _scared of_ _loving_ her.

 _Very much. After all this time_ _I'm_ _still afraid of_ _looking_ _at her._ _That_ _someone_ _notices_ _. If_ _I_ _only look at her too much,_ _someone_ _could notice._

 _But now_ _it's_ _over_ _anyway._

_Over and done._

_I_ _don't_ _even need_ _to_ _be scared of loving her_ _anymore_ _, 'cause I fucked it up._

_Or_ _... we_ _both_ _did. I_ _don't_ _know._

_Well ..._ _let's_ _go back in time ..._

___

"Good morning, Alex ..."

I smiled as I heard her voice in my ear. Again. I turned around and our lips met.

So it hadn't been a dream. Also this time it hadn't been a dream.

It was never a dream but still I was scared of waking up and realising that it wasn't real.

"Good morning, my beauty," I mumbled against her lips and soon our tongues were busy with something else than talking.

It had been one hell of a concert last night. Sold out venue, five songs encore. We normally only played three. Tarja had jumped around more than usual, I had watched her drink seven cups of coffee before the show. And hell, I had felt that power last night too.

She pulled away and smiled at me. "Should I go down first?"

"Yes," I said and stroke her jaw. She was so beautiful, it hurt. Or did it hurt because she wasn't mine?

"Alex," she sighed and closed her eyes. "Don't look at me like this."

I didn't reply. I couldn't. I had made love to her countless times ever since we had shared our first time after my brother's wedding, but she still wanted to keep it a secret. She was still married.

"Please ..." She stroke my hair. I could see how sad it made her too. "Don't look like a hurt puppy."

"Sorry." I tried to smile.

" _I am_ sorry," she whispered back and turned to look at the ceiling. "This shouldn't have started. Nothing of it."

I didn't answer. Was she saying it was my fault?

"No," I whispered. "It shouldn't have started." It definitely shouldn't have happened ...

___

We didn't talk for weeks.

I missed her beautiful smile, the warmth in my bed at night, her passionate kisses. Her scream when she came. It wasn't only this though, I did not only miss the sexual tension between us. I missed her beautiful hand in mine when we tried to sleep. I missed her eyes that lay on me when I woke up. I missed running my hands through her long hair. I missed her lips on mine, missed her heart beat against my chest. I missed her finger that trailed over my face and her soft sighs when she slept.

I missed her scent ... her wonderful, wonderful scent ...

My heart ached again as I watched her on the tour bus. I needed to have her one more time and then ... then I'd let her go.

But everything came different than expected.

___

It was one day after a concert.

I followed her into her dressing room, knowing that she would dry herself first. She was sweaty as hell, all that headbanging and jumping was exhausting in the headlights.

"Hey, won't you join us?" Max shouted after me but I ignored him.

Tarja usually needed long to get ready - and today she'd need even longer.

I knocked at her door, heard a stressed "One moment!" and waited until she opened.

And when she did, she was only clad in a towel.

Her green eyes went big when she saw me.

She only brought out an "A-" before I dragged her into the room.

"Meine Schöne," I whispered and she blushed. I looked down at her and pulled her close.

"Please, I'm sweaty as hell," Tarja mumbled but she knew I didn't care.  
I pushed her to the little couch and let her sit on it.

"I just want you," I whispered and put my hands on her waist, looking down at her. "Not every now and then. Forever. But I understand that it won't work. So let me have you one last time. One last time and I'll leave you alone. I promise."

She looked at me.

"Alex -"

"Don't you Alex me," I mumbled and stroke her sweaty hair behind her ear.

"I can't do this," she said, all of a sudden really loud. "Not today. Okay?"

Damn it.

I swallowed but nodded, letting go of her.

If she said no, there was no way I'd force her.

Tarja stood up and started pacing, holding her towel so it couldn't fall.

"Sorry," I said. "I figured ... I thought you were in the mood."

"Not really," Tarja sighed and sat down on the chair by the mirror, burying her face in her hands. "Something happened, Alex."

"What?" I asked in shock and knelt down in front of her. "Do you want to tell me?"

She pulled her hands away. She looked exhausted and done. "Not now. I'm not ready."

Internally, I panicked.

What was up with her? Was she sick?

She must have noticed my look cause she chuckled. "Don't look like that. I'll be fine."

So something bad did happen.

I swallowed. "Are you hurt?"

"No," Tarja replied. "Not exactly. But really, Alex, I can't talk about it. It's still pretty new."

I clenched my fists. "Did ... Marcelo do something to you?"

"No, Alex. Stop assuming. Not he did something to me -"

"Someone else did?! Who?? I swear to god -"

"Stop," Tarja called. "No one did anything to me. If even, then it was me who did something to myself."

I went pale. "What? Tarja, what??"

"I can't talk about it!" Tarja shouted. "Please get out of my room now."

I stood up. "Tari -"

"Out! _Vittu!_ "

She was cursing in Finnish, so I better listened to her. If she was using Finnish swear words, then the situation was serious.

I left the changing room and walked back to the changing room of us guys.

"Sorry," I said as I entered. "Tarja has stolen my favourite guitar pick before the show."

"Seriously, why would she do that?" Max asked with a laugh. "What a child."

"That's Tarja as she lives and breathes," Kevin chuckled.

"Do you have it back now?" Max added and I held up the pick that had never vanished from my jeans pocket. "Yep. And the boss said she took it to see if I was confident enough to play with another pick than this one. Turns out she was right again."

"Still, she shouldn't steal from you," Max said with a serious look and I shrugged.

"It's okay. Just take care of your cello bow."

Now the tall Finn laughed.

"We're going to a bar, by the way," Kevin said. "Can we count on you?"

"I don't know," I said. I needed to talk to Tarja. "Who's going?"

"All of us," Christian replied and grinned. "Even Tarja."

I swallowed.

Tarja?

She never went to any bar. She sometimes joined us for a drink after the concerts but that was it. She never went to bars.

"Well ... If all of us are going, then I'll have to tag along," I said, hoping no one would realise that Tarja was the reason I had had a change of hearts.

"Great! We'll meet later then in that metal bar we've seen on our way here."

"Great. Cool." I forced myself to smile but Tarja didn't leave my mind. What had she meant with "it was me who did something to myself"?

I knew I had to wait for the answer but I was determined to find out that night.

I would get her drunk, if needed.

We drove to our hotel all together, planning the night. Tarja was the only one who didn't participate in the conversation, but she sat with us and smiled and nodded. And occasionally laughed.

The laugh was forced, though, and not as honest as I knew it from her.

Every now and then her eyes wandered to me, but she ripped them away once I looked at her.

I sensed that she needed my help, even though she had pushed me away.

I promised myself to watch her all night.

___

But this was easier said then done.

Of course I couldn't watch her inside her bathroom, so I waited for her inside her room, while she was getting ready.

She had told us she'd follow, but I had volunteered to wait for her and accompany her to the bar safe and sound.

Thus the guys had left and the boss had vanished in her bathroom.

And as she left it, I forgot to breathe for a moment.

Back at the wedding of my brother she had been stunning, but now I knew it had been nothing compared to now.

Last time she had curled her hair but this time she had straightened it completely. Like black satin it hang down. It was framing her face, which looked even sharper than usual. She had done something to her face as well, she looked ... younger.

Was it the make up?

Probably. She wore a lot of make up. Black eye liner, black eye shadow, long lashes, dark red lipstick.

And then her dress ...

Gosh, red looked so incredible on her. It was a glittering and short dress but I didn't care so much about that, it was the colour that caught my eye.

Tarja in red was like a drug for me.

I looked down at her.

"Can you walk in them?" I asked and pointed at her heels.

"Please. I can walk in them, if I can jump around on a stage in them."

"You tend to fall down though," I pointed out. "Or lose a shoe."

Tarja smiled and my heart stood still for a moment. This smile was honest.

"I'll be fine."

"Will you?" I asked and locked my eyes with hers.

Tarja tore her look away. "Yeah," she said quietly.

"Talk to me," I whispered. "What did you do?"

"Nothing?" Tarja replied quietly and I touched her cheek.

"You look different. Something happened."

"I told you that something happened," Tarja said impatiently. "Stop implying that someone did something to me, though. I can assure you that it was my decision, mine and mine only."

"Okay, okay," I said and watched her walking to the bed, looking for a jacket that would fit to her dress.

I swallowed.

Her backside looked ... hotter than I remembered.

What was up with her?

Slowly I approached her, placing my hands on her waist. I kissed the back of her head and started playing with her silky hair.

"I want you to know that you can tell me anything. We've been through a lot already, right?"

"But not through this," Tarja muttered and turned around. She looked at me with her face distorted in pain and her eyes filled with sadness.

"Are you sick?" I asked quietly. "Do you have cancer, like your mother?"

"No," Tarja said quietly. "Nothing like that."

"Nothing like an illness?"

Tarja shook her head and I sighed in relief.

"Good. If you died, I wouldn't survive."

"No, I won't die. Don't worry."

"Then tell me," I said lowly. My eyes travelled over her beautiful face. "Did you have an operation?"

Her eyes went wide.

"Yes - how do you know?"

I swallowed. "You look ... uhm ... younger."

Tarja's mouth fell open. "What - oh God! _Alex!_ Did you think I had a face lift or something? My God, _no_! It wasn't that kind of a surgery. Now shut up and let's go. I can't tell you yet."

I was relieved. Once again.

I knew it had been an irrational fear, since Tarja didn't even think of having a nose job. At least not for beauty reasons. The one she had had two years ago had really been necessary to make her breathe better during singing.

I helped her into her jacket and then we walked out of the room.

"Alex?" Tarja said quietly while we walked to the elevator.

"Hm?" I made and let my hand find hers.

Our fingers entwined and Tarja let out a quiet breath.

"I - uh - why do you think I look younger? 'Cause I feel really old right now ..."

"It must be the make up," I replied with a shrug. "I hope you aren't offended that I suggested ... that you could have plastic surgery."

"I am a bit offended," Tarja replied. "But I get how you came to the conclusion. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with my face."

My eyes went down her body once again.

"Or body," Tarja added with a grin. "Everything is still the same, okay?"

"I believe you." I swallowed.

What kind of surgery was left, if it didn't have to do with her body or face and was bad enough to make a secret of it?

I busied myself with thinking, while Tarja herself talked about Naomi and how she did in school.

The walk to the bar itself was quiet.

Tarja seemed to be deep in thoughts as well and as we reached the bar, I had the feeling that this night would be a mistake. For a second I thought about taking her back to the hotel and having a movie night.

But then Tarja's expression suddenly changed.

Her smile went wide and she beamed at our band mates.

"Hey!" she called happily as we reached the table.

The tiny Finn earned whistles from the guys, something that usually only happened when Tarja picked a new stage outfit that showed more of her body.

Like those corsets she wore lately.

But now it wasn't only her clothes, it was everything about her. Everything looked different.

"Wow, you look different!" Kevin shouted that very moment and I nodded.

Thanks for the confirmation.

Tarja took it as a compliment and ordered some drinks. And after that, another round. And another one.

Tarja had already gulped down her third drink while I was still busy with my first one.

Yeah. She'd definitely be okay.

At least she was laughing now, no, giggling.

Giggling at everything and nothing and after her fourth drink (which she probably had inhaled) she announced that she had to go to the restroom.

With worry I watched her leave for the toilets, almost missing Max' comment.

"What's wrong with her? Since when does she like to get wasted? Like _that_ I mean?"

"And her make up," Kevin added, "and her dress. Does she want to get laid?"

"Seems so," Christian said and looked at me. "You're close to her. Do you know more than us?"

"Nope," I answered honestly. "I was as surprised as you are now, when she came out of her room."

The guys didn't need to know that I had waited _inside_ her room, not on the outside.

"Weird," Kevin said. "Anyhow, that was her last drink. From now on make sure that she only drinks water."

"Deal," I agreed. We clinked our glasses and started chatting about upcoming shows.

Minutes went by and after half an hour I noticed that Tarja still wasn't back.

I checked my phone.

"Guys," I interrupted their conversation, "Tarja has been gone for twenty-eight minutes."

"Wow," Max said. "You're right. Should we go and look for her?"

"She's a lady," Kevin pointed out. "Probably she got stuck there because she needed to freshen her make up. Or maybe the queue is so long -"

"There is no queue," I said loudly. "We'rein a fucking metal bar. There is no queue in front of the lady's restroom."

"She probably didn't find back, or maybe fans stopped her on her way back here," Max tried to calm me down but I couldn't be calmed.

"Or maybe she got invited for a drink and got drugged." I was panicking. "You know how she is, always seeing the good in people. Oh gosh. Maybe someone is raping her inside a toilet cabin right now ..."

"Okay, come on," Max said. "We're gonna look for her. Alex, you and I are going to check the toilets. Max, Timm and Christian - each of you is going to look in a specific area of the bar. Which one - choose for yourself. Come on, Alex."

I was thankful that my friend was able to think straight right now. I certainly wasn't. If Tarja was lost ... oh gosh. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Never.

Max and I walked to the toilets but there was no one in the male cabins.

Without thinking we entered the female cabins, ignoring the shouts, and shouting for her.

As no one answered, we decided to look outside.

But she wasn't outside either.

I checked my phone and texted into our group chat.

_Anyone_ _found_ _her_ _?_

I got no answer, at least not in the first few minutes. After ten minutes, Kevin had texted a short _nope._

Tarja was in that group as well.

I dearly hoped she would see the message and answer ... but after Christian also negated my question, I panicked again.

"We should go to the police," I said loudly. "She was kidnapped."

"Calm down," Max said. "I'm sure she went back to the hotel. Let's go and check."

"No way!" I shouted. "I'm staying here. I'll go to the police if she doesn't answer within another hour. No - twenty minutes. Ten minutes! Fuck."

"Okay," Max said. "I'm going back to the hotel and check if she's there. We'll stay in contact."

I could only nod.

I was so, so worried about her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A word of warning:
> 
> If you're sensitive to delicate topics, I recommend not to read this.
> 
> I enjoy exploring deep and serious issues and this one's a topic I have never explored yet.
> 
> Please don't roast me. It's only fiction.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading!

I was pacing in front of the clubs.

What if she had gone into one of them?

I doubted it but it could be. Tarja was drunk and in a party mood. Also she enjoyed different music, not only metal. It actually could be that she had entered one of those.

My eyes went over the names of the bars.

Ok ... if I was Tarja, where would I go?

There was a bar named _Pastels._ One called _Club Beats._ Another one called _Alchemy._ That one sounded nice. _City Bar._ Nah. _The Shamrock._ Why not? She had once said that she enjoyed being in Irish pubs.

But then I saw it.

The club called _Little_ _Phoenix_ _._

Wow.

If Tarja wasn't in there, I really didn't know her well.

I went into it without showing my ID, of course, and almost got a heart attack right away.

Yes, she was in there.

And ...

She was _on_ the bar.

She was _dancing_ on the fucking bar to loud, beating house music.

Left and right of her were two other girls, way younger than her, and on the ground, rght beneath them, were dozens of guys and whistled and screamed at them.

I fought my way to the bar, screaming her name all the time.

She didn't hear me, thanks to the music and screams of the other guys, so I just reached up to her, once I had found a way to the bar.

I grabbed her thigh, which was what I could reach best, and Tarja shrieked.

Her eyes went wide first as she looked down and found me, but then she rolled them at me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she screamed.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here?!" I screamed back angrily. "Get down here! Right now! You're coming back to the other bar with me! Or no, you're going back to the hotel with me!"

"Are you my Mom?" Tarja shouted and shook her head. "Cause I don't think so, Alex. I found friends here!"

"Yeah, sure." I looked at the young girls and boys. They were something between twenty and twenty-five. Maybe even younger. "So you want me to leave?"

"Yeah. I can take care of myself," Tarja replied and I sighed.

Fine. She was an adult after all.

I nodded at her, turned around, and walked back to the entrance.

First I really intended to leave the club, but then I decided to stay here and watch her from afar. Even if she got down from the counter, I would still easily find her, thanks to her glittering red dress.

I texted the guys that I found her and that we'd meet at the hotel.

Then I stayed and watched her like a stalker.

Something was up with her.

She acted so weird.

At some point the dark haired girl on her left started rubbing herself against Tarja's backside, who let it happen.

More than that, she started dancing with her in a sexy way.

The men shouted loudly and certainly almost fainted as the girl behind Tarja wrapped her arms around her, cupping her breasts.

I groaned. If she wanted a girl now, fine with me, but this one was a little too young for her.

"Kiss!" one of the boys shouted and I could see Tarja laugh.

But they didn't do anything.

And after a few minutes they got bored and returned to their normal dancing.

But suddenly the third girl, the blonde one on Tarja's right, had another crazy idea - she took off her underpants (without showing her private parts, wow, respect) and threw it into the crowd.

I shook my head.

Unbelievable.

The men practically threw themselves on the piece of cloth, almost starting a brawl.

Then the guy who had caught (or found ... or won) the girl's underwear fought his way to the bar and claimed his prize.

Disgusting.

The girl with the short, blonde hair jumped right into his arms and started kissing him senselessly.

Tarja was laughing again.

And then she got into her knees, taking off her underwear as well.

"No!" I exclaimed as she threw her panties into the crowd, just like the blonde girl had done it before her.

I fought my way through the people once again, I needed to find that damn panty. Not because I wanted to win her, no.

I needed to save her.

This was my chance.

I saw men fighting over the black piece and prayed that I reached them in time.

But sadly I missed my chance.

A young man, who was tall but so young he had probably never had to shave before, walked to the bar, holding up Tarja's black thong.

Tarja laughed and got down from the bar. Just like the other girl, she slung her arms around the boy and kissed him.

My insides were burning.

I shoved people aside as I tried to reach the bar. And once I made it, I pulled Tarja away from the boy, who looked even younger, now that I saw him from close.

"Shove off," I said to him and he did. What a pussy. Didn't even fight for his prize. Hell, I would always fight for Tarja.

"You're such a killjoy," she told me and crossed her arms. "That was just for fun."

"No, that was fucking embarrassing," I scolded her. "The heck - did he run off with your panty??"

"He can keep 'em," Tarja said with a shrug.

"No - oh my God. You know that selling panties is a thing? What if you'll soon find _panties worn by Tarja Turunen_ on the internet??"

"Yeah, sure, 'cause people are going to believe that it's really mine." She rolled her eyes again. "Honestly, Alex, why don't you just leave me be? I told you I didnt want you. Here and in general."

"You know why I can't just leave you be," I said sternly. She had hurt me but I ignored it. I simply grabbed her hand and pulled her outside.

The party was over.

I pulled her into the fresh air and over to a free bench across the street. "Sit down," I ordered and Tarja did.

I got on my knees in front of her, searching her eyes with mine.

The moon shone on her face, making her look even more beautiful ... even though she was very, very drunk.

No matter what, she would always be perfect to me.

"I love you," I whispered. "You know that. And I was so, so worried when you didn't get back."

"And jealous when I kissed that man," Tarja said and I nodded.

"It was a boy, not a man. But yeah. I was very jealous."

Tarja grinned.

"I love you," I repeated. "And I want you to be safe. And happy."

"I am safe," Tarja said quietly.

"But you aren't happy," I said. "Right?"

"No. Not ... Not right now." The singer closed her eyes. "I did something very cruel."

I wanted to ask what she did. I wanted to ask so bad. But I kept quiet. I knew she'd tell me if she was ready.

And that moment was now. Hopefully.

Tarja opened her eyes again. They were wet and she looked at me with so much guilt in them.

"I ... I had an ... a ... uhm ..." Tarja gulped and then she said quietly, "A termination of ... of pregnancy."

I looked at her for a while, not sure if I had heard right. Or understood right. We both weren't native English speakers, misunderstandigs did happen between us.

But then Tarja added, "Abortion. That's the word", and I was sure sure I had heard right.

"Wow," I said. "Why though? Doesn't Marcelo want another baby?"

Tarja didn't answer for a long time. Then she said slowly, "Do you remember what I told you at the wedding? About Marcelo and me?"

"Oh." I wanted to slap myself. They didn't sleep with each other anymore. "Yeah. I do. Damn, now I get you."

Tarja looked at me with wide eyes, which were scanning my face with doubt. "Aren't you mad?" she asked quietly. "I was scared of telling you. I thought you'd be mad."

I shook my head. "Why should I be mad? It's your body. It was your decision to do so, why would I be mad about that?"

Tarja let out a relieved breath. "Okay. Good. I'm glad."

I pulled her down and kissed her forehead. "Running off today wasn't okay. If you had told us that you'd go out on your own, we wouldn't have pulled you back."

"Okay. I'm sorry. I just needed to have some fun and leave the sadness behind."

I nodded slowly. "Can I ask you about ... this?"

"Sure?" Tarja whispered and I cleared my throat.

"You're sad. Did you want it? Was Marcelo the reason you did it?"

"Yes and yes," Tarja replied softly. "He would've known that it isn't his. He would've seen it."

"Sure."

Somehow it hurt me that there was someone else beside me, except for Marcelo, who had the pleasure to make love to her.

"Does the ... former father know?" I asked and Tarja tilted her head, looking at me quite ... confused?

"I'm not sure," she said with a light smile.

"Didn't you tell him?" I asked on.

"I did tell him about the abortion," Tarja said. "But I have the feeling he doesn't think that it was his."

"Weird," I mumbled and took her hand. "Let's head back to the hotel?"

"Yeah," Tarja agreed and then we walked back, hand in hand.

My thoughts were running wild. How hadn't I noticed that Tarja had been pregnant? Had she been moody or emotional?

No, not really.

She hadn't eaten more, she hadn't skipped the alcohol, not that I could remember, she hadn't felt sick or anything.

Back in the elevator, I asked carefully, "Can I ask you another question about your ... situation?"

"Sure," Tarja sighed quietly. "I owe you some answers."

"Okay. So ... how far along ... were you?"

"Very early," Tarja replied immediately. Her eyes were directed on the floor of the elevator. "Second month. Week six ... or seven. I have found out and I've had a ... panic reaction. I don't know how else to call it. I made an appointment right away."

"So when did you ... when did you have your appointment?"

"Last Friday," Tarja said quietly. "When I flew home over the weekend to see Naomi, remember? When I told you she was sick. That ... wasn't true. Naomi is fine."

"Oh, okay," I mumbled. That had only been five days ago. Wow. So a week ago, Tarja had been pregnant. And no one had known.

But wait ... six or seven weeks?

I started to count back.

Back then we had gone from festival to festival. Tarja hadn't slept with anyone but me, as far as I could remember. That ... that night when she had told me it had to end.

That had been the last time.

A bit more than seven weeks ago.

Tarja must have been with another man ... unless ...

Suddenly I felt dizzy.

Oh God.

I was so stupid.

The way she had looked at me before, telling me that the former father didn't think it was him.

I didn't notice how the door of the elevator went open, how she pulled me towards her room, how she pulled me inside it.

She went to the bed, already pulling off her shoes and dress.

No need to pull off her underwear, she had gotten rid of it back at the bar already.

I swallowed. She was beautiful.

"What?" Tarja whispered and pushed her hair behind her ears. "You look like you had seen a ghost."

"I ..." I tried to speak. My voice was broken. I cleared my throat. "It was mine, yeah?"

Tarja nodded gently. "I'm sorry."

"Again, it's your body," I said, "but ... I would have loved to know. You should have told me."

"I know. I'm sorry." Tarja smiled. "Panic reaction."

"Yeah." I exhaled. "But still. I should have known. I could have come with you, to the appointment, I should have been there with you ..."

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

She repeated the words for a few times while walking up to me. Bringing her arms around me, she pulled me into a hug.

"Shh," she whispered. "It's all good. No need to cry. I'm really sorry."

Cry? I wasn't -

Damn, I was crying.

I hugged her tightly. "I love you even more now," I mumbled against her naked skin and felt how she stiffened.

"How?" she asked. "I hurt you, didn't I?"

"I am hurt. But it's not your fault and it wasn't your intention to do so. And my feelings, I can't control them ..."

I let my eyes run over her body.

This was it. This time would be the last time. For real now.

"I need to see it one last time," I whispered and pushed her back on the bed. I lay down next to her and started caressing her skin. "One last time and then I'll be gone."

"Gone?" Tarja asked. "Where to?"

"I don't know. I need time to think." I ran my finger over her curves, her nipples, her belly button. "We obviously need to stop ... this. But please, Tari, let me see you come one last time."

"Why do you keep repeating 'last time'?" Tarja asked.

"You wanted us to stop. Seven weeks ago." I locked my eyes with hers and she blushed. "You remember?"

"Yes," Tarja breathed.

"Let me watch you come for me. And then I'll leave you be."

My finger had reached her middle.

Gently I looked for her entry, while my eyes never left hers. Her green orbs were filled with sadness. But what could I do? We couldn't go on like that.

I dipped my fingers into her, feeling some of her wetness. Then I kissed her, gently and shyly.

This one would be our last kiss ...

I moved my finger over her clit, feeling how it started to swell. I caressed it slowly, steadily, I almost didn't touch it. She loved this. I knew she loved gentle touches.

Her eyes now fluttered shut and a silent moan escaped her lips.

I left her mouth and moved my own lips to her left nipple. I touched it with the tip of my tongue, felt its hardness.

Tarja moaned louder.

She was close.

I added some pressure on her clit, increased the speed of my caresses. I took her nipple into my mouth and started sucking.

And as she reached the climax, I pulled my face away from her chest.

I needed to watch her.

I needed to savour the sight of this beautiful woman having an orgasm.

I could never forget this.

Also I never wanted to forget her taste ...

Without thinking I crawled between her legs and pushed my tongue into her.

We both moaned.

She didn't have enough, eh? But now that I had tasted her ... I also didn't.

I brought my tongue right back on her most sensitive spot, making her gasp out aloud. And soon she was panting all over again.

She was moving her hips against my mouth in a steady rhythm of my tongue.

She came fast, fast and hard.

I pulled away and settled myself on top of her, watching her once more.

Damn, how I loved her.

Tarja's eyes went open, just a bit. She smiled. "What are you waiting for? Claim me."

I shook my head. "No. I'd love to but ... no."

"What? But ..."

"We said we'd stop. We should have stopped sooner. I love you, Tarja, I really do. But you ... you hurt me. And what we did is stupid in general. We shouldn't have ... never."

It hurt so much to say that.

And Tarja's look ... It was so desperate.

"No ... I need you."

"Sure you do. I know how to please you." I got off her. "That's it, Tarja. I won't ever touch you again. Believe me, this is hard to say -"

"I love you," Tarja whispered and my heart stung.

"And I love you," I whispered. "But what happened can't be undone. We could have had a happy life together. And you chose to not even tell me that I was a father for ... seven weeks."

"I can't blame you that you're hurt but in the end it was only my decision," Tarja said weakly and I nodded.

"Of course it was. And, again, I would've supported you. But I can't support your behaviour towards me." I stared a the floor. "I don't think I can stay in this band."

"No!" Tarja exclaimed and I shrugged.

"I have to think. Sorry. I don't think anyone has ever hurt me like that ..."

And with those words I left the room.

___

_I_ _didn't_ _leave the band._

_I_ _couldn't_ _._

_I loved the band too much to leave,_ _I_ _loved the guys ..._ _And_ _I_ _loved Tarja._

_Too_ _much._

_A lot has_ _happened_ _during_ _the last months_ _but_ _one_ _thing_ _is very important to me:_ _I'm_ _in a healthy and happy_ _relationship_ _now_ _._

 _At first it was_ _hard_ _. Tarja for sure_ _hasn't_ _accepted_ _my relationship,_ _even_ _she and Marcelo had talked_ _everything_ _out._

_She has told him everything. And Marcelo had forgiven her._

_Nowadays I_ _am still_ _attached_ _to Tarja but in Laura I have found a soulmate._

_I am happy._

_I am still_ _scared_ _of_ _looking at Tarja, for_ _she's_ _the_ _most_ _beautiful_ _woman_ _I_ _have ever_ _met_ _._

_I am_ _still_ _scared of loving_ _her_ _._

_Because_ _I'm_ _not_ _allowed_ _to._

_Not anymore._


End file.
